First off, i want to start with a big thank you to all the people that have been following me for the past time. Your comments, your precious time, words of encouragement, commissions, everything, really really, thnk you.

The art world in DA has brought me satisfaction, frustration, joy and interaction with so many people, that really you are the pillars right now in wich i recline to keep doing what i am doing, pursuing a carreer in arts, one that is just pushed by you and faith in me, just that. I wake up and say, man, another day, lets do it, and it goes by, polishing one drawing a time, teaching my self how to be good, not getting paid a single dime or peso to be here learning by myself. I am a bachelor in graphic design I had a steady job at a newspaper doing page layouts, i did the job the way it was meant to be done, nothing extraordinary neither lame, just plain ok. I got the illustrator gig later one, and i got the call again, Carlos why dont you try to draw for a living? i thought i could, i really did, for a few months it worked well, i had money, an apartment, no debts just monthly rent and the light, water and gas bills. I had a certain degree of hapiness, but just had enough of the newspaper, besides knowing that it was not my real call.

Got a call from big capital city mexico D.F. Some guy offered me a job job at the movie industry doing conceptart for an animated movie, long story short: Quit my job, waited for the big callback to start work in mexico D.F. It never came... the proyect was scrapped, i was out of a job, and no where to go. Had to go back to my parents house, got a few
jobs doing pencils for comic books that never went published, did got paid though... got into a graphic novel proyect, got paid a bit more but then it stopped due to the current economical situation. I have to months now without a steady job, somedays are good, others are hell.

I really want to keep doing this, doing what i love. But is it all just dumb faith? Great man once said: Do not try to be a successfull man, instead try to be a useful one. What is my role here? who am i helping with what i do? I think it is too late for me to turn right now and try to look for a "average job" where i will be paid on a regular basis but be frustrated for the rest of my life. I know that if i was married and have like a kid and stuff i would be asleep right now and getting energy for my average job to try and provide for the ones i care but right now that is just not me. i mean you only get to live once and if you spend your life frustrated for the most part of it, what is that life? can you fill out your role in the great wheel the way you are supposed to?

Art is not a commodity it is a necessity in a world like this, i am just mad at myself for not growing a pair and be more meaningfull with my messages and for all the time lost neglecting what i was born to do Just for the sake of having a steady job and having a safe life.

I hate myself for not being the artist that i could be.

I hate myself for being afraid. and a fool.

oh man, i could have just spared you the hole thing and just write those two lines above there.

I hate myself for having you read all this crap now. thnk you for your time.